Author: jamescalumcampbell

10 days to the Winter Solstice.  I said to my local newsagent, “It’s dreich.”

“Aye. Gey dreich.”

 I got my overseas Christmas cards off at the beginning of the month, and blitzed the UK ones last week.  I’m told that the practice of sending cards at Christmas may be dying out, just like the practice of “taking” newspapers printed on paper.  Circulations are ebbing and prices rising as people seek their news, be it real or fake, in their preferred echo chamber online.  And the BBC licence fee is going up.  These are parallel trends.  As people eschew pen and ink in favour of, first, email, and now any number of social media platforms, the Royal Mail has struggled to achieve targets for the delivery of both first and second class letters.  That seems paradoxical.  If the work load diminishes, should not the target be easier to attain?  I suppose the Royal Mail employs fewer people; after all, if everybody has gone online, we don’t need posties.  It’s the same with local branches of the bank.  Apparently everybody prefers online banking.  You might say they are voting with their fingers.  But surely it’s a chicken and egg situation.  Perhaps people went online because they lost their local branch.  As the presence of banks on the High Street diminishes, along with everything else, so cash is disappearing.  There’s been a backlash to that, and now banks will be required to provide an ATM within a mile of city dwellers, and three miles for people out in the sticks.  I can think of large tracts of the Gàidhealtachd where banks will struggle to hit the rural target.  Then perhaps they will be fined by the Financial Conduct Authority, and their liquidity will be even more compromised.  Similarly, Ofcom have fined the Royal Mail £5.6m for failing to deliver 93% of first class letters within 1 day, and 98.5% of second class letters within 3 days.   Fining institutions for failing seems to me to be almost as perverse as rewarding executives with bonuses for failing.  The same thing happens to hospitals that have been put into “special measures”.  This is incomprehensible to me.   If you’re struggling as an institution, you don’t need a fine; you probably need a cash injection. 

(Incidentally, I’m kind of glad I have resisted the overtures of my banks, both here and in New Zealand, to use automatic voice recognition as a secure means of identification on the telephone.  It turns out that AI can pretty much reproduce anybody’s voice so accurately that even the owner of the voice is fooled.  It might slowly dawn on people that the best way for a bank teller to identify a customer, and vice versa, is face-to-face, across the counter, in a High Street bank.)            

I will be interested to see if I receive fewer cards this Christmas than usual.  Thus far this year I have sent 41 cards.  I think that number is less than my average, but that may be because some friends and relatives have departed the world.  When somebody dies, I find myself loath to score their name out of my address book.  I just need to be careful not to send a card to the deceased, particularly if their spouse is still alive.  That would be a faux pas, would it not?  I confess I have sent one overseas card to somebody who I am not sure is still with us.  But perhaps that is precisely the value of sending cards.  It’s a way of saying to people one knows but seldom sees, “I’m still in the land of the living.”

Other Christmas rituals I greatly value.  I went to hear The Nutcracker in Glasgow on Saturday night; not the whole ballet, but a selected suite, played by the Royal Scottish National Orchestra, and joined for one number by the magnificent RSNO Youth Chorus.  The concert was very well attended, and I had the sense that the audience was not the usual crowd turning up for Shostakovich and Mahler.  There were lots of mums and dads, and it was an early Christmas night out.  Drink was brought into the auditorium, which does not usually happen.  I wasn’t inclined to object; I like the buzz of a packed hall.  But I’m not sure the audience particularly enjoyed the first half of the concert.  Certainly Victoria Vita Polevá’s Nova had an impact.  Polevá is Ukrainian, and Nova is a martial piece, much as Holst’s Planet Mars is a martial piece.  When the brass fanfares and the machine gun rat-tat-tat of the percussion ceased abruptly at the peak of a crescendo, the silence was deafening.  The conductor Andrey Boreyko put his hand on his heart, gestured to the score, and then made a gesture of holding out two fists with thumbs enclosed.  I think this might have been a mime for the German “Daumen drücken” – to press thumbs – the German equivalent of fingers crossed.   

By contrast Tchaikowsky’s Concerto Classico for violin and orchestra was, despite a large orchestra, lightly and delicately scored.  I should point out that this was the Polish Jewish composer André Tchaikowsky (1935-1982), and not the Tchaikovsky of The Nutcracker.  He was born Robert Andrzej Krauthammer.  He entered the Warsaw Ghetto in 1939, but he was smuggled out in 1942 under the name Andrzej Czajkowski.  He studied music in Poland, and emigrated to the UK in 1956.  He died in Oxford, at the age of 46. 

He was very keen on Shakespeare and, bizarrely, he bequeathed his own skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company, specifically so that it would appear as Yorick in Hamlet.  He played opposite, as it were, David Tennant.  When the RSNO’s principal trumpeter recounted this macabre tale at the opening to the concert, the audience gave a gasp.  The trumpeter said, “I know.”

The solo part of the concerto was played, most beautifully, by Ilya Gringolts.  I thought I could hear reminiscences of Alban Berg, Bartok, and Stravinsky.  The applause was polite, and ceased as soon as conductor and soloist left the stage.  I suspect the audience had turned up expecting to hear Tchaikovsky and not Tchaikowsky, and were disappointed.  Personally I was disappointed because Ilya Gringolts didn’t have the opportunity to play an encore.  I don’t remember a soloist not receiving at least one additional curtain call. 

But back to the other Tchaikovsky.  It was wonderful to hear all these famous melodies, played by three flutes, by celeste, by harps, by celli, and so on.  It’s an antidote to the dreich nights. Similarly, I look ahead to a Ceremony of Nine Lessons and Carols I am taking part in, in the West End of Glasgow on December 22^nd.  By then, we will have passed the still point of the turning world, and can begin to look forward, with buoyancy and hope, to 2024.               

I believe 70,000 delegates have flown into Dubai for COP28.  There’ll be a whole lot of schmoozing going on.  Greta Thunberg might call it “blah blah blah”.  The King has given a key-note address.  At least he has been championing ideas of sustainability and the protection of the natural world since long before they became fashionable.  He has been spotted wearing a tie, and also a handkerchief, festooned with Greek flags.  This has nothing to do with the current rumpus about the Parthenon Marbles, according to Buckingham Palace.  Maybe not.  But one aspect of “Tie-gate” that I’ve not heard mentioned, is that the King’s father was Greek.  I rather hope he selected his sartorial ensemble with politic deliberation, and that this might set the trend for future episodes of subtle regnal interference.      

On Friday’s Herald, Andy Maciver, founding director of Zero Matters, wrote a piece on the climate crisis in praise of gradualism, and indeed in praise of COP28.  We cannot put planet over profit: Transition is key.  I wondered if the paper’s editor had intentionally concocted a vexatious headline precisely in order to make people like me choke on our porridge oats.  If so, it worked.  Having been silent for some time, I put pen to paper and wrote to the Herald.  I think my piece has rather a dry tone, the tone perhaps, of Dr Kissinger during his very advanced period, when his voice became progressively more staccato and crackly until in the end he sounded like a kind of oracular cicada.

Dear Sir,

I don’t suppose Andy Maciver wrote his own headline (“We cannot put planet over profit: Transition is key”, Herald, December 1^st) but it is surely self-evident that if we don’t put planet over profit, we are lost.  The alternative, putting profit over planet, would be the ultimate act of conspicuous consumption – the destruction of the natural world.  One is reminded of the famous lines from Act 3 Scene 3 of Ben Jonson’s Volpone:

…and, could we get the phoenix,

Though nature lost her kind, she were our dish.

I was in Dubai Airport on March 8^th, 2020.  We taxied for an eternity past hundreds of parked Airbus A380s and I thought, “We can’t go on like this.”  Then with the pandemic the whole world ground to a halt, the skies emptied, and we all said to one another, “We mustn’t go back to our bad old ways.” 

Perhaps the phoenix, a fabulous Arabian bird, the only individual of its kind, said to regenerate from its own ashes, is a metaphor for Planet Earth.  We need to do all in our power to protect her.   

Mr Maciver’s trope, “profit for planet” is a fudge. 

Yours sincerely…

It didn’t appear in Saturday’s Herald, but my experience is that there is sometimes a lag in publishing over the weekend, so I haven’t given up hope.  I’m writing this blog on Sunday evening, so I won’t post it until I take Monday’s Herald.  I’ll let you know.

More news from abroad:  Christopher Luxon, the newly elected centre-right Prime Minister of New Zealand, is set to repeal a whole lot of Labour legislation from the Jacinda Ardern years.  I can’t say I favour any of these volte-faces, with the exception of the one that has been taken up by Rishi Sunak, to be imported into the UK, the idea of stopping any New Zealander born after 2008 from ever buying tobacco.  It might be well-intentioned, but I just don’t think it’s workable.  Come January 1^st 2048, we would have the scenario of a 40 year-old born on 31/12/07 legally buying cigarettes, and one born on 1/1/08 criminalised by the same transaction.  I don’t care for this kind of societal manipulation, which looks on paper as if it might have beneficial health outcomes.  I wish governments would stop telling us what to do.  When I heard of Mr Luxon’s decision (in this one regard) I did feel inclined to light up, in celebration, a Romeo e Julieta Churchill.  Goodness me.  Am I lurching to the right? 

The Herald, Monday, December 4^th.  I’m in.  Now I must hold myself in readiness for brickbat rejoinders.  The champions of coal, gas, oil, and nuclear, who can’t stand the sight of a wind turbine, on- or off-shore, will say, “If Dr Campbell wants to keep the lights on, he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.” 

Blah blah blah.                

Last Wednesday was the sixtieth anniversary of the assassination of President Kennedy.  It seemed to pass by unnoticed.  In a stand-up routine somewhere in Canada the comic Paul Merton once asked the audience members if they thought Lee Harvey Oswald remembered, albeit briefly, what he was doing the day JFK was shot.  Nobody laughed.  On that same day, Aldous Huxley died, as did C. S. Lewis.  And the Beatles issued their second LP – With the Beatles.  Of 1963, Philip Larkin wrote in his poem Annus Mirabilis:

Sexual intercourse began

In nineteen sixty-three

(Which was rather late for me) –

Between the end of the Chatterley ban

And the Beatles’ first LP.

It was an extraordinary, tumultuous year.  Chatterley, Beatlemania, TW3, the Profumo scandal, the Great Train Robbery… The atmosphere of the time is captured in Bernard Levin’s The Pendulum Years, a review of the sixties, a decade defined in the UK, according to Levin’s view, as a historical turning point, a fulcrum or point d’appui, when Britain sloughed off its starchy, rigorously formal imperial integument and moved on into the “permissive” age.  Nobody knew whether the new laissez faire attitude would usher in an era of personal freedom to be cherished, or bring about the end of civilisation as we knew it; whether satire was a robust utilisation of this new-found freedom, or sheer impertinence.  Whatever it was, it was clearly capable of bringing down a government.

For the record, I do remember where I was when I heard JFK had been shot.  I was at 30 Marlborough Avenue, my Aunt Mhairi’s house in Glasgow’s west end.  It no longer exists, replaced now by a shopping centre.  By the time I’d made the short walk back home to 51 Rowallan Gardens, he was dead.  There was a sense of universal disbelief, and disappointment, perhaps because the President and the First Lady were glamorous, charismatic figures who seemed to represent the new age.  Going back to the beginning of the sixties, I remember the US presidential election, and a posse of ruffians going round the school playground asking each of us who we would vote for, Nixon or Kennedy.  It was a Catch-22 double bind, with no correct solution.  Nixon was a creep, but Kennedy was a Catholic.  But Kennedy seemed to embody the future.  The torch, he said in his Hyannis Port drawl, has been passed to a new generation.  We subsequently found out that the permissive age had certainly not been too late for Jack.  At least, so it is said.  Bu then, as the man himself remarked, there’s no smoke without a smoke machine. 

With the assassination, there was a palpable sense that the US could not cope with the news.  Walter Cronkite looked visibly shaken.  A couple of days later, Oswald was shot by Jack Ruby, live on TV.  The place was completely out of control.  Conspiracy theories had to be concocted because the idea that the event resulted from the random act of a sheer nobody was extremely unpalatable.  In Dallas Texas, Dealey Plaza became a shrine.  I visited in the 1990s.  The Texas School Book Depository at the corner of Elm and Houston was exactly as it had appeared in the grainy black and white footage.  And the grassy knoll.  The entire scenario had the feel of a museum.  I ascended to the sixth floor of the depository and stared at the scene through the window from Oswald’s vantage point, measuring angles.    

C. S. Lewis aside, the other events of 22/11/63 also touched me.  For reasons that I can now scarcely comprehend, I had a childhood fascination for the novels of Aldous Huxley – Chrome Yellow, Eyeless in Gaza, Point Counter-Point etc.  I read them avidly.  Now why should an urban Scottish waif born into a landscape of sodden tenements, bomb sites strewn with nettles and docken leaves, be in the least bothered by the foppish fantasies, as I saw them, of an oversized, oversexed Oxon galoot inhabiting such improbable hamlets as Bole, Tritton, Spavin Delawarr, Knipswich for Timpany, West Bowlby, Camlet-on-the-Water?  Yet I gobbled them up, the Collected Works, in the beautiful Chatto and Windus editions in their cellophane-wrapped russet covers.  I could turn out reams of pseudo-Huxley, the smart-arse post-prandial rantings of smug intellectuals with strange names, saturated in gin and Art, stuffed like Strasbourg geese with indiscriminately acquired knowledge, the A-Z of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 

Fortunately I was saved by the Beatles’ second LP.  I bought it one rainy day in the music shop Cuthbertson’s, which no longer exists, took it home protected from the rain under my duffel coat, and put it on.  I thought they’d sold me a dud.  The Beatles sounded like the Chipmunks.  But once I’d figured out you had to play LPs at 33, and not 45 rpm, all was well.

It won’t be long, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah…

Seated deep in anonymity within the gloomy recesses of Dunblane Cathedral I heard once more of the parable of the talents, the story of the man I identify with, perhaps more than any other in the gospels, with the possible exception of Nicodemus.  I mean the one talent man.  Afterwards, at the church door, I did here the minister remark that he had passed over the one talent man’s predicament, and concentrated on the two talent, and the five talent men.  Other versions are available: there are five and ten talent men elsewhere, but the message is essentially the same.  (That reminds me of a colleague of my father’s, in the police force, who was known for a certain whimsicality in his dealings with criminal evidence.  In the witness stand, he described the alleged theft of five four pound notes.  The judge corrected him.  “You mean four five pound notes.”  He replied, “Four five pound notes, five four pound notes.  What’s the difference?”) 

Anyway, the essential message of this parable, apparently, is that we must use the God-given talents, no matter how modest, that have been bestowed upon us, for the benefit of all.  Don’t bury your talent in the ground.  I suppose that is a bit like hiding your light under a bushel.  Yeez are, after all, the light of the world. 

But I feel for the man who hid his talent in the ground.  After all, he dug it up again and gave it back, untouched, to his master.  He knew his master was a hard man.  He certainly got that right.  His master called him wicked and lazy, and threw him out into the darkness, to weep and gnash his teeth.  But I don’t think the one talent man was either wicked or lazy; he was afraid. 

Is the minister’s interpretation of this parable justified?  What exactly is a talent?  As usual I consulted Chambers.

talent n.  An ancient unit of weight and of money – 60 minas or 6000 drachmas, or about 38 kilograms (Aeginetan talent), 25 (Euboic), 26 (Attic), of gold or silver: hence (from the parable, Matt. xxv. 14-30) faculty: any natural or special gift: special aptitude: eminent ability short of genius: persons of special ability: young girls or young men, esp. attractive, handsome, etc (coll.): disposition: (Shak. tallent) perh. wealth, abundance, or perh. golden tresses.     

We might add to this that BBC managers sometimes refer to the people at the mic, or in front of the camera, as “the talent”.  But it would appear that our modern understanding of talent is based solely on a metaphorical interpretation of a biblical parable.  Yet the parable itself is all about money.  When the master rebukes the one talent man, he tells him that the least he could have done was to put his one talent in the bank, in order that it might accrue interest.  It would appear that the two and five talent men were more adventurous than this.  They “cast their bread upon the waters”.  They were venture capitalists.  Entrepreneurs.  There’s something a bit fawning about the way they reported back to their master to say they had doubled his money.  They got a pat on the back and were rewarded with considerably more responsibility.  I suppose they were entrusted with a superabundance of talents in order to double them again.  They must have become very wealthy.  Were they alive today, they would be hoping that Mr Hunt in his Autumn Statement on Wednesday abolishes inheritance tax.  Meanwhile I worry about the one talent man, cast out into darkness.  I see him sitting on the pavement outside the Thistle Centre in Stirling, holding an empty polystyrene cup, shivering.  I put a pound into the cup, conscious that Ms Braverman would rebuke me.  I’m only encouraging him in his lifestyle choice.  Even Mrs Thatcher was more compassionate than that.  In her “Sermon on the Mound”, she had a good word for the Good Samaritan who went out of his way to assist a man who had been mugged.  But, she pointed out, he was only able to do that because he was a wealth creator.  He had cast his bread upon the waters and doubled his talents.

I find most of the parables to be extremely disturbing.  I’ve given up trying to interpret them.  There’s the one about the banquet which none of the invited guests attend.  So the master (could be the same one as in the talents parable) instructs his servants to trawl the street and bring in the lame, the halt and the blind.  Perhaps the one talent man, already cast out, was included.  But then, it turns out that one of this latest batch of invitees is improperly dressed.  So he gets chucked out.  Perhaps once more it was that one talent guy.  He might have raised his eyes despairingly to heaven and cried, “Not again!”  What on earth is all that about?  It comes across to me as an anxiety dream.  It reminds me of a professional orchestral musician I know who has a recurring dream that she turns up on the night of the concert wearing the wrong attire.  She is humiliated and instructed to leave.  More outer darkness and teeth gnashing. 

Talking of dress codes, after the morning service I dressed soberly in black and turned up in the chapel of Queen Victoria School to perform with the Dunblane Chamber Orchestra.  I was not evicted, although sometimes, when my viola sounds like a Black & Decker drill, I feel I ought to be.  We played Mozart’s Overture to Idomeneo, the Sinfonia Concertante for violin and viola, and then, after the interval, Beethoven 7.  The Apotheosis of the Dance, said Wagner.  It’s an exhausting play on the viola, constantly fortissimo, even once fff.  Sturm und Drang.  I’m not sure that Haydn would have approved.  And didn’t Benjamin Britten say that, with Beethoven, the rot set in?  Maybe Beethoven wrote fff because it was the only way he could hear his own music.  The poor man knew more about gnashing of teeth than most of us.  I will seize fate by the throat!  After Beethoven 7, I was exhausted, and a mass of aches and pains.  But we repaired to the Lion & Unicorn, and a pint, a plate of lasagne, and the company of dear friends did much to attenuate my customary post-performance flatness.         

Politics on the Edge.  A Memoir from Within

Rory Stewart (Jonathan Cape, 2023)

This morning I braved the elements, and Storm Debi, to reach the local shop in search of newspapers.  I remarked to the shopkeeper, “The pavement has turned into a river!”  “Really?” he said sceptically.  I ‘doubled down’, as they say.  “Literally a river!”  Then, seeing a picture of the Home Secretary on one of the front pages, I said, “Ms Braverman’s coat is surely on a shoogly peg.  When the PM says he has full confidence in a Secretary of State, you can be sure the Secretary of State will be gone by lunchtime.”  At that precise moment, something pinged on my shopkeeper’s tablet, and he announced, “She’s gone.”

“Fell, or was pushed?”

“Sacked.”

“Who is replacing her?”

“James Cleverly.” 

I resisted the temptation to bask in the warm glow of my apparent prescience.  After all, the dogs in the street knew the Home Secretary was toast.  Now, amid all the shenanigans of our politics, there is nothing more ridiculous than a cabinet reshuffle.  Foreign Secretary today, Home Secretary tomorrow.  Civil engineer today, brain surgeon tomorrow. To master an enormous brief overnight requires a certain chutzpah.

But wait up!  David Cameron has just been spotted strolling into No 10.  And now – I’ve just heard it on Woman’s Hour – even as I write, the ex-PM has been appointed Foreign Secretary!  I didn’t see that coming.  Presumably he will have to be ennobled in order to sit in Cabinet.  Lord Cameron of Jura, or something of that ilk. 

But back to the day job.  Last night, with the intention of blogging about the book today, I finished reading Rory Stewart’s new political memoir.  Only to find this morning that the great ship of state had pitched and rolled on over the stormy seas of ‘events’.    

I thoroughly enjoyed Rory Stewart’s book, not because I necessarily agreed with any opinion he chose to express, but simply because it is so well written.  He recounts his entire experience of political life, from his winning the seat of Penrith and the Border for the Conservatives in 2010, to his appointment as junior minister in various departments, to Secretary of State under Theresa May, and finally to his running for Prime Minister in 2019, a contest which was eventually won by Boris Johnson.  He chooses to end his memoir shortly after that, for him, unsuccessful campaign. 

Rory Stewart comes across as intelligent, thoughtful, articulate, energetic, and extremely hard-working.  By all accounts he was an effective local MP and a worthy representative of his constituents.  His experience as Prisons Minister is fascinating.  I remember at the time the prisons in England were in a bad way, and he famously said that if he could not turn the situation around in a year, he would resign.  Well, a year later, the evidence was that improvements had been made, so he didn’t have to go, but it was shortly after that that he did go, when Mrs May promoted him to Secretary of State for International Development.  He held that office between May 1^st and July 24^th 2019.   

Meanwhile there were all the Brexit negotiations, and then his campaign to become PM.  One wonders how an MP, even one as energetic as Stewart, can simultaneously represent a constituency 350 miles from Westminster, run a government department, debate Brexit, and campaign for the highest office in the land. 

He does not paint a rosy picture of political life.  Indeed he imparts a sense of being something of an outsider.  The clue is in the title.  He is ‘on the edge’.  And, perhaps because he is now done with politics from within, he feels he can be candid in his criticism of colleagues.  (I say ‘done with politics’, but then, look at Mr Cameron.)  David Gauke gets a favourable review, Boris Johnson quite the opposite. 

There are two clichés that recur in any broad discussion about political life.  Politicians say they enter politics ‘to make a difference’.  It came up on Remembrance Day when Nick Robinson interviewed Michael Gove on ‘Political Thinking’.  If you want to make a difference, said Nick, why not become a social worker?  “Mmm!” agreed Mr Gove.  Actually he said “Mmm!” to virtually everything.  The other cliché comes from the electorate, and expresses a diametrically opposing view.  “Politicians are all the same. They’re only in it for themselves.”  I suppose Stewart’s memoir gave the impression that he was in it to make a difference, while lots of his colleagues were in it for personal advancement.  That sounds like a one-sided view, but Stewart is not blind to the fact that he often came across to his colleagues as posh, disdainful, scheming, and intensely ambitious.  My sense is that Stewart did follow the lights of his conscience in good faith, but discovered that the environment he found himself in was toxic.  So he got out.

I have this notion that the more exalted your position in political life, the more effete you become.  Mr Gove who was a journalist told the teachers how to teach; Mr Hancock who was an economist told the doctors how to practise; indeed Mr Stewart who was a diplomat told the prison officers how to run prisons; and Ms Braverman who is a lawyer told the police how to police.  But it is not the function of a Secretary of State to ‘run’ a public service.  Secretaries of State are there to represent the electorate, whom they serve, and to hold public services accountable to the electorate for the way in which services are delivered.  They need to stop telling people what to do, but rather ask them, “What do you need?”

But it must be extremely difficult to retain a sense of humility when the PM invites you to No 10, hands you the credentials of office, and sends you by ministerial limousine to meet your permanent undersecretary in some vast imperial edifice in the heart of Whitehall.  There is an amusing, if somewhat sobering anecdote towards the end of Rory Stewart’s book.  The Welsh MP Robert Buckland was intrigued that Stewart had an MP ancestor named Richard Rich.  Buckland’s favourite film is apparently A Man for All Seasons, based on the play by Robert Bolt, in which Richard Rich betrays Sir Thomas More on his way to becoming Attorney General for Wales, and ultimately Lord Chancellor.  Buckland also aspired to the position of Lord Chancellor.  Buckland backed Johnson in the leadership contest.  Allegedly Boris had promised him the position of Lord Chancellor.

What is it Sir Thomas More said?  I paraphrase: Why Richard, I’ve heard it said, what shall it profit a man if he should lose his own soul in order to gain the world? But for Wales?   

Over morning coffee, ”our group” – sounds like something out of a Dostoevsky novel – ruefully discussed the despicable state of the world, while our youngest member, a seven year old girl unconcerned with contemporary plights, amused herself with whatever trinkets she could find in my living room.  She was intrigued by a calendar on my mantelpiece, consisting of ten pieces of wood forming a cuboid structure of dimensions roughly 10 x 8 x 4 cms.  A base holds six wooden strips bearing on each side, in gold lettering, the names of the months; and on top of these, two cubes bearing again in gold the numbered dates.  There is a subtlety about this simple structure.  One cube holds the numbers 0-1-2-3-4-5.  So the other cube holds 6-7-8-9.  But you also need to repeat 0-1-2 in order to be able to produce, say, December 01, 22, and 31.  In other words the second cube appears to require seven sides.  It would be impossible, but for the fact that 6 can be inverted to double for 9.  For some reason this fact delights me, and I was amused to see that my remarkably self-sufficient young visitor was similarly delighted.  While we discussed the desperate state of the Middle East, she would periodically lighten the mood by contriving an absurdly impossible date and holding it up for inspection.

“April the 65^th!”

She and I both found this hysterically funny.  Children can escape the bleak world by simply stepping into another dimension.  Shakespeare did the same.  Didn’t he conjure “forever and a day”?  And perhaps even “the 12^th of never” – or am I confusing Twelfth Night with Johnny Mathis?

Now I find that whenever the world gets me down I can raise my spirits by slipping through a wormhole into an alternative universe.  For example, this morning I see that the government is minded to broaden the definition of extremism.  Officials in the Department for Levelling-Up, Housing and Communities, have come up with the following:

Extremism is the promotion or advancement of any ideology which aims to overturn or undermine the UK’s system of parliamentary democracy, its institutions and values.

“September the 78^th!”

What on earth are the UK’s “values”?  Perhaps they were in evidence last week in the Palace of Westminster, during the Covid Enquiry, when we heard that the erstwhile PM was apparently minded to sacrifice the elderly for the benefit of the economy.  Expletive deleted.

My young guest also amused herself by drawing a picture, which I subsequently found after our group had left.  I remember she borrowed my pen, but I didn’t pay any attention at the time to her artwork.  I think we had moved on to the war in Ukraine.  Anyway I have her picture before me now.  It is a simple line drawing of a robust double decker vehicle.  It might be a bus, but it could as easily be a security van bearing a prisoner from the underpass of a court in the direction of a jail.  There is a single individual, at an upper window.  It reminds me of the similarly whimsical line drawings in John Lennon in his Own Write (Jonathan Cape, 1964).  I think I might frame it.  Incidentally, Lennon would have appreciated distortions of the calendar.  Eight Days a Week.    

Talking of John Lennon, I see that Now and Then is, as I write, heading for the No. 1 spot.  It will be the Beatles’ 18^th No. 1 single.  I suppose it would have gone to No. 1 even supposing it had been released in its crackly state straight off the original cassette.  But thanks to the miracles of modern technology, all four members of the band have been able to participate.  I think it’s terribly good, a tad overproduced perhaps, but Lennon’s voice is instantly recognisable, and it is recognisably a Beatles song, delivered in a characteristically Beatles fashion, the tempo rather slower than you might expect, the tune memorable, and full of an ineffable sadness.  D’you know, I went to hear the Royal Scottish National Orchestra in Glasgow on Saturday night.  They were terribly good, too. They opened with a contemporary work.  I can’t remember what it was called and I can’t remember the composer, and I can’t remember the “tune”.  I didn’t make much of it.  In a way I understood the genre.  It was filmic, and atmospheric.  It conjured a mood.  But I confess most of the time I have a problem with contemporary classical music.  I’m always waiting for it to start.  It seems to set the scene.  But the scene neither commences, nor develops.  It’s one long intro.  Give me the Beatles any time.

But I guess it’s time to let them go too.  Indeed, Now and Then has been billed as a last hurrah.  The Beatles’ incandescent light shone for a remarkably short period; the phenomenon of Beatlemania really only lasted from the release of their second LP With the Beatles on November 22nd 1963 (not exactly a slow news day) to their final public appearance (aside from atop the Apple roof) in Candlestick Park San Francisco on August 29th 1966.  So let it be.  Now we must balefully turn our attention to Mr Sunak’s interview with Mr Musk, who tells us that, thanks to AI, no-one need go to work any longer.

“December the 99^th!”

But hasn’t Mr Musk already told us that AI is an existential threat?  And come to think of it, that particular date is even beyond the reach of my mantelpiece calendar.  It would bamboozle the best cruciverbalists in Bletchley Park back in 1940. 

But that was then; this is now.                               

Indulgently, I dined out, and dined well, on three successive days over the weekend.  Lovely purvey (as we say in Glasgow).  It was a chance to catch up with friends and relatives.  The chat was as nourishing as the food.  My mother was very fond of a quotation from Alexander Pope:

Here let us feast, and to the feast be join’d

Discourse, the sweeter banquet of the mind; 

I’ve been saving it up for any occasion where I might be called upon to say grace.  The last time I said grace in a public manner was at a Burns’ Supper in New Zealand, and it was the Selkirk Grace:

Some hae meat an’ canna eat

And some wu’d eat that want it:

But we hae meat, and we can eat

Sae let the Lord be thankit.

Of course I was asked to recite this because I have a Scottish accent, and indeed, since my father was from Ayrshire, I can make a reasonable fist of Mauchline patois.  When I lived in New Zealand, Scottish Television’s Glasgow-based police drama Taggart was very popular, and I was occasionally called upon to recite the line:

It wuzznae suicide; it wuzz murdur!

Personally I preferred to recite DCI Taggart’s line, when enquiring after the whereabouts of his boss, Superintendent Jack McVitie:

Where’s the biscuit?

Such it is to be a cultural curiosity.  But in fact, to return to the Selkirk Grace, Burns wrote it, at least in the edition on my shelf, in English.

I remember once as a kid dining in Drynoch, Isle of Skye, with the family of a very elderly and some three-time-removed relative (my family genealogy defeats me), who prefaced the meal with a long and, to me, incomprehensible grace in Gaelic, and then after the meal, somewhat mischievously, he tried to put my father on the spot by asking him to “return the blessing”.  Without hesitation, deviation, or repetition, my father intoned, “For what we have received, may the Lord make us truly thankful.”  This appeared to pass muster.             

On Friday I was in Haddington, birthplace of John Knox, and we lunched at the Waterside, overlooking the River Tyne, a stone’s throw from St Mary’s Parish Church, where Knox (in whose company my three-times-removed relative in Skye would have felt perfectly at home) was almost certainly baptised.  The food was delicious.  The sweeter banquet: we touched on Knox’s The First Blast Against The Monstrous Regimen Of Women, and concluded that Knox, were he around today, would be cancelled.  Since, in Edinburgh, the David Hume Tower no longer exists, and the statue of Lord Dundas, who purportedly delayed the abolition of the slave trade, was, at least temporarily, modified by the addition of a plaque, I am surprised that Knox, whose statue resides in St Giles Cathedral, has not been similarly modified and attenuated.  I have an idea that the City Fathers are a little afraid of him.       

On Saturday evening I was back in my local, the Lion & Unicorn, where the food is always delicious.  I was with my cousin from New York, her son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. The sweeter banquet: we reminisced about my uncle, who emigrated as a teenager from Skye to New York just in time for the Wall Street Crash.  I remember driving along Fifth Avenue with him in 1982, in his 1962 Hillman Minx.  Yellow cab drivers would lean out of their window and yell disparaging remarks at us.

I last saw my cousin at a wedding in Waxhaw, North Carolina.  She and I had gone to a Presbyterian church in Charlotte.  I felt right at home there.  Of course the folks were very hospitable.  So it was nice to return the compliment, and my cousin and I went to Dunblane Cathedral on Sunday morning.  Then we all foregathered at my place for tea and coffee; here, the sweeter banquet was a piano recital.  Thence to the third of my lunches, at the River House in Stirling.  Despite the restaurant being very busy, the service was impeccable, and again, the food delicious.  The sweeter banquet: we spoke about hospitality, the theme of the service at Dunblane.

In Dunblane, we had celebrated Holy Communion.  More breaking of bread.  And the homily, thoughtful as ever, concerned the superabundance of dinners in the Gospels.  Jesus dined out a lot.  Zacchaeus, I’m coming for dinner tonight!  The minister at Dunblane, who has visited some extraordinary locations across the globe, and has lived and worked with many people of all faiths and none, made the point that, in his experience, the best meetings of minds occur over a meal.  I wondered what chance there was of representatives of the governments from Jerusalem and Gaza City sitting down together over a bowl of humus, if there is any left in the warehouses.  The world as we all know is going to hell in a handcart, and the blanket media coverage of the Middle East might convince you that nothing else across the planet is happening.  But one of our party foregathered in the River House is Russian, and she was able to tell me that the war in Ukraine is currently extremely bitter.  In the cathedral, the minister had prayed for the people of Maine; apposite, such a prayer coming out of Dunblane, of all places.  All violence is local.

The news can be overwhelming, to the extent that one might lose one’s appetite.  Maybe I ought not to have embarked on a culinary tour of central Scotland.  Then again, I am reminded of a line from the Cold War movie Bridge of Spies.  Tom Hanks’ character is a US lawyer called upon to represent a Soviet spy (Mark Rylance) who has been rumbled by the FBI and looks to all intents and purposes to be headed for an appointment with “Old Sparky”.  Hanks says to Rylance, “You don’t seem worried.”  And Rylance replies, “Would it help?”

Better to put some money in the Christian Aid envelope, and then go out for lunch.          

At the Goethe-Institut over the past two or three weeks, we have been looking at German and Austrian painters.  We studied the impressionist Max Liebermann, the expressionist Egon Schiele, a protégé of Gustav Klimt, and most recently George Grosz, specifically his painting of 1926, The Pillars of Society.  It hangs in the Nationalgalerie in Berlin.  The title is borrowed from a play by Ibsen, and its application to the German society of the 1920s is deeply sarcastic.  The painting is a grotesque caricature.

Five individuals are depicted.  In the foreground there is a well-dressed, monocled gentleman drinking a stein of beer and wielding a sword.  He has a duelling scar on a cheek. His tie bears the emblem of the swastika.  His cranium has been removed to reveal, presumably, the content of his mind. It’s quite hard to make out; at first I thought it was a battlefield cannon, but more likely it’s a lancer on a charger. At any rate it depicts an engine of war. 

On his right there is a journalist holding newspapers, and a bloodstained palm branch.  His hat is a chamber pot.  Behind and to the left of the journalist we have a Social Democrat, said to be a caricature of the German president Friedrich Ebert, holding a flag, and a pamphlet stating “Socialism must work”.  His head is open to reveal a steaming pile of excrement.  Behind them is a clergyman, apparently preaching through a window which reveals, outside, a world on fire.  Behind him, a helmeted soldier wielding another sword. 

The overall impression is of a group of individuals who are egotistical, selfish, uncaring, and corrupt. The basic message about these pillars of society is quite clear.  Their heads are all full of s***.

With the rise of National Socialism in the 1920s, Grosz knew what was coming.  He got into trouble with the Nazis and had to get out. He went to America.

The Pillars of Society is a painting which will be contemporary forever.  Surveying current affairs (if we must) both at home and abroad, it would be quite easy to recreate this picture in contemporary terms.  I leave it to your imagination.

For myself, as I said to the class, “Kunst war mein Horrorfach.  Ich hatte absolut kein Talent.”  Art was my horror subject.  I had absolutely no talent.  Saying that, I’ve grown quite interested in painting, even if I was never an exponent, and I always enjoy a turn round the Art Galleries after my German class.  Anyway, as much to lighten up the atmosphere as anything, my contribution was not a painting, but a photograph.  I took along a very famous picture of the Beatles, or the precursor to the Beatles, shot in Hamburg, perhaps around 1960 or 1961, by Astrid Kirchherr (1938 – 2020). It’s a black-and-white photograph of a group of five moody young men, with four guitars, a pair of drumsticks and a side drum, sitting outside on what might be a burnt-out train, in a derelict area with, behind them, what might be a construction site newly arising out of a bombsite.  The members of the group are, from left to right, Pete Best, George Harrison, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Stuart Sutcliffe. George Harrison was 17 years old around the time this photo was taken. He was too young to get a work permit in Germany, and he got deported back to Liverpool. But somehow he returned. 

Kirchherr and Sutcliffe were an item, and I also have a picture of the two of them, a portrait, again in black-and-white. Even from the perspective of today, in the picture they both look so cool. Tragically, and not so very long after this photograph was taken, Sutcliffe succumbed to a cerebral haemorrhage. 

The Beatles were a very rare phenomenon.  They could easily have remained in total obscurity.  No doubt chance encounters with certain individuals were key, not just to their success, but to the discovery of the intangible essence of the phenomenon: Brian Epstein, George Martin and yes, Astrid Kirchherr and Stuart Sutcliffe. 

Sometimes I think history trundles along on two parallel tracks which rarely appear to converge.  Conventional history is the history of wars and rumours of wars, of the struggles between elites, those with their snouts in the trough, the “pillars of society”.  Meanwhile the Beatles are honing their craft.  Or, while Napoleon is bombarding Vienna, Beethoven retires to a cellar, covers his ears, and composes the Emperor Concerto.  (Not that the man himself would have called it that.)  Of the two parallel tracks of history, I know the one I’m more interested in.  And I’m sure I’m not alone. Recruiting sergeants will tell you that the hardest thing to teach a conscript is that the enemy is inhuman, such that he ought to be skewered with a bayonet.  Despite the hellish state of the world, I believe that most people do not wish to attack their neighbour.  How can we extricate ourselves from this mess?

As John Lennon said, “All you need is love.”

Aye right. Look what happened to him.

Sorry about that.  A sour note. I just slipped from E flat major, the key of Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto, to E minor, the fading final desolate chord of Vaughan Williams’ Sixth Symphony. Nuclear winter.  Mustn’t do that.  Never give up.   

A friend of mine, perhaps knowing my lifelong fascination with unusual words, has sent me a short piece about the phenomenon known as petrichor.  It was new to me.  I consulted the various dictionaries on my shelf, Chambers 1990, Chambers 2016, Bloomsbury Concise, The Shorter Oxford.  Petrichor does not appear.  I tried Roget’s Thesaurus, Chambers’ Crossword Dictionary and, as a long shot, Churchill’s Medical Dictionary.  No sign of petrichor.  As a last resort, I went to that final authority of English language and usage, The Oxford English Dictionary, its umpteen volumes compressed in my edition into a single tome, qua microfiche, the decipherment of its hieroglyphics requiring a magnifying glass.  I acquired this version of OED at the end of the last millennium, around the same time I got my complete Encyclopaedia Britannica.  I suppose such items are deemed redundant in the digital age.  Second hand booksellers tell me that Encyclopaedia Britannica is hard to move on. 

Back to OED.  I knew that if I couldn’t find my word, I would be left without recourse.  But there it was.

Petrichor a pleasant, distinctive smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm dry weather in certain regions.

Apparently the word derives from Greek pétra (rock) or pétros (stone) and ikhō’r (the blood of the gods).  The petrichor phenomenon was alluded to in a paper given by Berthelot and André at a meeting of the French Académie des Sciences in 1891, entitled Sur l’odeur propre de la Terre.  But it was not until 1964 that the phenomenon was scientifically described by Isabel Bear and Dick Thomas in Nature.  Thomas coined the term petrichor.  Apparently an oil exuded by some plants in dry periods is absorbed by soil and rock, but during rain the oil is released into the air, along with geosmin, a metabolic by-product of actinobacteria.  Ozone may also be present in lightning storms. 

The ozone rang a bell with me.  For I’m sure I’m quite familiar with the petrichor phenomenon, if not the word.  I can remember, in the Glasgow of my childhood, summer rain falling on the bone dry streets and pavements, and we would all sniff appreciatively.  What’s that smell?  One of my friends said, “Ozone”.  He said it was the same as the smell of the Glasgow underground.  I later dismissed this idea when I read that ozone was a colourless, odourless gas, but there you go. 

It occurs to me that the olfactory world of childhood is far richer than that of adulthood.  Hillhead Subway Station on Byres Road in Glasgow’s west end had a very distinctive smell, as did the nearby Art Gallery and Museum in Kelvingrove.  Hillhead, the Art Galleries, and petrichor had a lot in common.  Now I go into the Art Galleries every Thursday lunchtime after my German class to hear an organ recital, and I can’t say I can detect “the smell”.  Maybe there is a faint echo if it.  Can I remember what that smell was like?  Smell, and memory, are intimately connected, perhaps because the parts of the brain that process smell and memory are similarly intimately connected.  The Hippocampus.  We have all experienced a whiff of something that has transported us back.  Does it work the other way? Can a memory evoke a smell?  I should think not, at least, not unless pathologically.  Such an evocation would be an olfactory hallucination.  Did not George Gershwin complain one night, while playing in concert, of the smell of burning rubber?  Later he succumbed to a brain tumour.

Can you describe a smell so as to evoke it?  I’m not sure that language is capable of conjuring aroma.  If I say “petrichor” the odour does not reach my nostrils.  Some experiences, maybe most sensual experiences, are beyond language. What does marzipan taste like?  I can say it is sweet, but that barely narrows the field.  I might attempt extravagant imagery.  The confectionary acme of jaggery julepy saccharose nectary Turkish delight…  But that is just a word salad. 

In my search for petrichor, you might wonder why I didn’t immediately go online.  It is because I choose to inhabit an analogue world.  It occurs to me that the digital world is devoid of smell.  In Primary School, we always loved it when we were issued with some form of glossy.  The smell of thick magazine paper was utterly beguiling to us.  Mrs Miller would issue some text and we would spend five minutes, enraptured, sniffing the paper.  She was rather impatient with us, after the fashion of a dog-walker who can’t understand why her dog wants to pause and sniff lamp posts.  She has no conception of the doggy experience.  I also love the musty smell of old paper.  It reminds me of fossicking in the cupboards of boarding house common rooms during rainy West of Scotland holidays, and discovering ancient hardback copies of Biggles, and Nevil Shute.  They have an aroma that Kindle can never know.  The experience of holding and reading a real book is also tactile.  I must caress my volumes.     

I’ve just called the plumber.  Ballcock trouble.  He is coming sometime today.  I say “he”; I’ve never met a female plumber, a plumbress, perchance, though doubtless they must exist.  I could imagine a billboard for job opportunities featuring a young lady in chic overalls, supine with a spanner beneath a U-pipe, a smudge of grease on a cheek.  I hope she comes soon.  And I hope my problem can be solved by the tightening, or loosening, of a screw.  But I’m not optimistic.  There will be some kind of deep pipe thrombosis betwixt my house and the main street, unamenable to catheterisation and requiring open surgery.  The road will be up for weeks.      

I’ve never been any good at waiting around for tradespeople.  I feel as if I’m under house arrest.  And I can’t settle to anything.  I have a blog to write and I’m preoccupied conjuring dark scenarios about how the bathroom issues might pan out.  It was the same when the ball was on the other foot and I was on call in medicine.  I could never settle to any substantial task whilst waiting for the phone to ring.  I could only stare inanely at the telly, or do another crossword.  Incidentally there was a terribly good clue in last week’s Engimatic Variations, something like, Compound fracture set in Birmingham A & E (5).

Ester.

Ester? I hear you ask.

Cryptic crossword clues are made up, by and large, of a definition of the solution, and an alternative means of constructing it, designed to send you down the wrong path.  Here, the defining word is “compound”.  You are then instructed to “fracture” set, or break up the letters, and place them in Birmingham A & E.  Birmingham A & E is “ER”, because it is not Birmingham the terminus, as we now know, of HS2, but Birmingham Alabama.  Hence Ester.

I know.  I need to get out more.  But that’s the point.  I can’t.  I’m stuck, waiting for the plumbress.  It’s all the more galling as it is a lovely day, preternaturally warm for October, and, after the deluge over the weekend, blessedly dry.  Still, I can’t complain.  I’ve been out and about.  Having spent a considerable amount of time in the cloistered realms of Academe, I think of October as the start of the new term, Michaelmas, and it is good to re-establish routines.  On Tuesday I went to my first orchestral concert of the new season, given in this case in the Grand Hall of Stirling Castle by the Scottish Chamber Orchestra.  It is a medieval hall with, under its recreated and highly elaborate wooden ceiling, a fine acoustic.  The SCO played a concerto for viola and clarinet.  The composer was Max Bruch, the conductor Maxim Emelyanychev, clarinettist Maximiliano Martin, and viola player Max Mandel.  We were, as they say in the world of aviation, “max’d out”.  I played the concerto last year with the Dunblane Chamber Orchestra – not the solo part, I hasten to add, but within the orchestra’s rank and file.  It is a lovely, melodic piece, but already at its first performance in 1912 (the viola player was Bruch’s son Max Felix), Bruch’s musical idiom seemed old-fashioned to the concert-going public.  It wasn’t “progressive”.  It’s a point of view that still dominates orchestral programming today.  All that beautiful music never gets a hearing.  There’s just no time, because Mahler 3 is so long.

We had our second German class of the term on Thursday in the Goethe Institut in Glasgow.  Viel Spaß.  Afterwards I took a walk through Kelvingrove and attended the 1.00 pm organ recital in the Art Galleries.  Another routine.  The following day I had a beautiful walk with friends around the perimeter of the campus of Stirling University, and even on Saturday, when the heavens opened, I managed a walk around the airts and pairts of Stirling Park and Ride while charging my car up.  And on Sunday I walked round Milngavie Reservoir.  The cloud base was very low and the jets 1,000 feet above our heads on final approach to Runway 23 at Glasgow were invisible.  A tranquil, still, autumn day. 

A kettle of small beer.  Still, better that than a kettle of stinking fish.  I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.  The world is going to hell in a handcart and I’m exercised because I can’t flush the loo.  Still no sign of the plumber. 

But soft!  A text: “The engineer is now on their way to your property.”

Note the choice of pronoun – “they”.  The plumber may yet be a plumbress.  All will be clear between 12.16 and 12.46.                       

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